“I felt powerless in my relationship with food”

By: Christine Wilkins

A 14-year-old is too young to be overly concerned about food. But that was me. There are specific moments with food that I remember from my teenage—and even childhood—years because of the guilt I felt for having eaten so much of something and not knowing when to quit. I wanted to be thin so, so badly. For the sake of being thin. I felt powerless in my relationship with food, and I thought that going without food or applying other extreme means to reverse my overeating habit might be the answer. The weight of those feelings brought me to my knees. I feared I would deal with my food addiction for the rest of my life, that it would be my personal trial of mortality. Even at this young age I prayed with deep desire for help to overcome my obsession with food. In my mind, that translated to Heavenly Father taking away those natural-man desires; essentially, I hoped He would correct my brain. Of course, that is not how He works. And I’m grateful for the journey it has been—through study, prayer, and experimentation—to get to where I am today with my health.

My teen-through-early-adult years were full of fulfillment, but they were tainted by the ready access to cheap cake mixes and other indulgences, namely ice cream. I actually have a picture of a high school friend and me shoving cake into each other’s mouths. This image is a good representation of my two favorite hobbies at the time: hanging out with friends . . . and cake. I gained friends and confidence in high school, but I also gained weight—30 pounds of it, from start to finish.

Midnight donuts and chocolate milk. Bets to scarf down a whole pizza or a triple Baconator—challenges I accepted and over which I prevailed. (And I thought I was proving my strength of will.) Free soda and popcorn on my movie theater shifts. Half-price fast food during Wendy’s shifts. Confectionary samples during bakery shifts at a grocery store. Is it a wonder why I was so drawn to food-service jobs?

In my young-adult mind, my unhealthy habits and their consequences were disconnected. The miracle is in how I got through four years of higher education with the little energy I had. I don’t exaggerate by saying I probably spent half the time sleeping. The sense of powerlessness I had felt at 14 stayed with me, especially when I was alone and free to eat cake and slip into the accompanying sugar coma.

I wonder if you’ve ever felt as I have—that you were meant for “greater things than these” (Mormon 8:12) but were waiting for that change to happen to you rather than realizing the power to change was within reach. When I was 16, before I really felt the weight of my gluttony, I was given to know in my patriarchal blessing that Heavenly Father had blessed me with “physical strength and vigor.” I had seen this blessing manifested on my high school dance and cross-country teams and in the workplace. The “physical strength and vigor” were present when I felt accountable to other people. However, my accountability to myself yielded lethargy; I knew something had to be missing because I didn’t always experience those blessings I had been promised.

Scott, my husband of now 6 years, didn’t want to buy meat when we were newly married because it was expensive (you can read about his health journey here.) We probably bought meat a handful of times in 3 years. We were basically vegetarian, and it was largely to save money. Our natural distrust for government programs and any public organizations with lots of money brought to our attention the documentary FOOD, Inc. That was the nail in the coffin for me to give up meat because I didn’t want to support such a cruel industry. But I wasn’t sure that a meatless diet was necessarily healthy. Then we watched Forks Over Knives, which was harder information to swallow because we loved our bagel-egg-and-cheese sandwiches. But I couldn’t ignore the scientific evidence or the personal stories of people reversing chronic diseases and even staving off cancer by ditching animal products and embracing more whole foods. I thought that maybe this was the answer that would help me with my food addiction. In reality, it was the first step in a years-long journey toward a healthy relationship with food.

We discussed our findings with my dad, who had gone whole hog on the ketogenic diet at the time (you can read about his experience here.) Scott and I brought the Word of Wisdom into our discussions; we knew that in the revelation, the Lord counsels to eat meat sparingly (89:12), and it was obvious to us that the amount of meat typically consumed on the ketogenic diet was in no way sparing. We realized that the Lord’s counsel to eat meat sparingly (or not at all; see 89:13) along with His emphasis on grains, herbs, and fruits were standards opposite to those of the ketogenic diet. My dad, who is easily entreated by spiritual things, did his own seeking and discovered and shared with us the research of Jane Birch, along with Dr. John McDougall and other medical professionals promoting a diet in harmony with the counsel from the Lord in D&C 89. I read The Starch Solution (by Dr. McDougall) and had a difficult time putting it down until I was finished. Every word spoke truth to me and felt in-line with my recent discoveries in the Word of Wisdom. I couldn’t reverse the new knowledge I had received, and I was excited to start taking control of my body rather than letting my cravings control me.

I have also been blessed by the wisdom and findings in Dr. Glenn Livingston’s free Amazon book, Never Binge Again (which I highly recommend to anyone with a food problem). He guides the reader on how to formulate his or her own no-nonsense food plan that both restricts and allows, without reservation, certain foods. Dr. Livingston’s vivid descriptions of the food addict within humans gives new life and meaning to the “natural man” within all of us.

My dad, my husband, and I began the process of ridding our diets of animal products in the summer of 2016. Scott and I have since continued our slow and steady journey to a whole-foods, plant based (WFPB) lifestyle, and I am happy to say that we are almost completely sugar free and oil free in our diets. I have come to realize that true freedom from the chains of food addiction isn’t in limiting the amount of bad food one takes in but is in total elimination of bad foods. Some people consider this extreme, but I think the same situation applies to an alcoholic; to think that an alcoholic would be wise to have a drink only every now and then is absurd. Said the Savior, “If thy right hand offend thee, cut it off” (Matthew 5:30). Sugars and fatty foods are not meant for the health of the body. Be you addicted or not, these foods lead to addictions, so we would be wise to avoid them always.

God ordained all grains to be our “staff of life” (D&C 89:14). I love grains and other wholesome foods; not only can I eat as much as I want of those things without any guilt or adverse effects, but I also have sufficient energy and an active mind. Since embracing whole grains and plants as both my sustenance and medicine, I have lost 20 pounds of extra baggage and maintained a healthy and consistent weight for 3 years—no more fluctuations. Also, I never loved my body until now, and not because I have that perfectly skinny body I wanted as a teenager. I respect my body, and I want to treat it well. With a small amount of exercise and sufficient sleep, I feel my best. I consider the added blessing of having a greater capacity to love humans and all forms of life as equally valuable.

I am a wife and a mother, and I feel humbled by the task of providing good nutrition for my family. It is a vital, sacred responsibility that I try to not take lightly. Even though I lost weight and now feel less sickly and less tired after the switch to WFPB, I still carry some mental baggage around food; at times, I think about food more than I should. Fortunately, my husband and toddler don’t have high expectations for me in terms of meals. My WFPB family is perfectly content eating whole grain pancakes with honey and banana slices for dinner. I have made tremendous progress in my relationship with food. Having an awareness of my struggle and seeing the blessings of the simple (in my mind) changes I have made so far have set me free in so many ways.

I will never forget the depressing feelings I had as a young teenager concerning food; if only I could tell my past self to just hold on because the Lord would answer my prayers in a little over a decade. I was scared and unsure because of my weaknesses, but I had faith that Heavenly Father was aware of my personal struggles and would answer my desires in His appointed time. The time He gave me to discover the hidden truths of His modern-day counsel on nutrition, naturally and without compulsion, was an act of love and mercy. His counsel awakened me from a deep sleep that I consider both spiritual and literal. He knew when I would be ready, and He prepared me to eventually realize the reality of His promise to me personally of having “physical strength and vigor.” He makes a promise to all His children in words similar to these if they will but apply the counsel He has given to them in these latter days.

Christine Wilkins (age 27) and her family live in Orem, Utah. She graduated from Brigham Young University in April 2016 with a bachelor’s degree in English and a minor in editing. She is a full-time mom and a part-time editor for KLAS Research, where her husband also works as an editor. She enjoys going on trips, hiking, and playing games with family. She is the Balderdash champion among those who know her.